Let’s Talk About Perfectionism
Have you ever found yourself stuck in all or nothing thinking? Saying to yourself, “Well, if I can’t make it perfect then it’s just not worth doing.” Or waiting for just the right time to move forward, only to find that the “right time” doesn’t exist? Maybe you hear a constant voice in your head that pushes you. It’s incessant and rigid, allowing no room for mistakes, messiness, or going outside the lines. You might also struggle with chronic self-doubt or fear of failure. Exhausted yet? I get it and I’ve been there. You don’t have to struggle with perfectionism alone, let’s talk about it.
After more than 20 years as a marriage and family therapist in private practice, I’ve had the privilege of walking beside countless individuals and couples through the ups and downs of life. Regardless of the presenting issues, there often exists a foundational fear of “I’m not enough.” This fear often drives the persona of perfectionism and can create an inner pressure to be “good” “perfect” and “everything for everybody.” Perfectionism can feel like a badge of honor, but over time, I’ve learned it’s more like a restrictive jacket, keeping us from experiencing the fullness of our lives and relationships.
Understanding Perfectionism: What Is It Really?
Perfectionism is often misunderstood. It’s not just about wanting things to be neat or well done—it’s a relentless drive to meet impossibly high standards, set by you and/or by your family of origin, culture, or society at large. This type of drive is often praised or admired, but secretly, you may be exhausted yet terrified to slow down. Perfectionism is driven by ego at the expense of your soul and depletes your happiness and well-being.
In relationships, this mindset can create distance, unrealistic expectations, and a lack of genuine connection. It also tends to fuel codependency and often leads to self-betrayal as you lose track of where your authentic expression ends and your need to be perfect begins. You may find yourself agreeing to things or committing to relationships that are harmful or toxic because you feel you “should” be doing more or need to help or just want the approval.
How Perfectionism Shows Up in Our Lives
- Procrastination: Waiting for the “perfect” conditions before starting something, which can result in missed opportunities.
- Fear of Failure: Choosing not to try at all rather than risk falling short of your high standards.
- Criticism—Of Self and Others: Being overly harsh with yourself, and sometimes projecting those standards onto loved ones.
- Difficulty Accepting Help: Believing you must do it all yourself to ensure it’s “done right.”
- Getting stuck in relationship patterns of people pleasing and always having to feel “on” with others.
- Struggle with slowing down and giving yourself permission to rest.
The Hidden Costs of Perfectionism
Although perfectionism is often praised in our culture, it’s rarely as helpful as it seems. Over time, it can lead to burnout, anxiety, depression, and strained relationships. Perfectionism restricts our ability to be present, creative, and authentically ourselves. It’s a mindset built on fear—of not being good enough, of disappointing others, of failing.
My Personal Journey: Struggling and Growing
I know firsthand how perfectionism can sneak into everyday life. I recently discovered a letter that I wrote to myself several months ago and pasted into a journal. It sums up many of the struggles and lessons that I’ve gained along my journey.
Dearest Wendy,
Up until recently, perfectionism is how I have gotten approval and praise. It’s how I have felt relevant and worthy. Constantly pushing myself and being a high achiever has earned me the titles “strong and disciplined.” And I have always felt so good to hear others describe me this way. But why? And at what cost?
The payoff is praise and admiration (which is driven by my ego), the cost is my peace of mind and self-worth (which affects my soul).
So now what? What if it actually feels better to be “good enough” and to do less? What if my entire nervous system even prefers that slower pace? That is what I have been discovering lately. What if, I just allowed my soul to lead the way instead of my ego? That thought brings relief and a big exhale. It’s time to listen to my inner knowing.
I want to do things that feed my soul. My success should not bring a COST to me, only expansion and growth. Expansion and growth are not always comfortable, but at least they add something to my experience, rather than taking something away.
I need to practice getting uncomfortable with being messy. The edge of discomfort is good. Overwhelmed by discomfort is punishment.
I am done punishing myself. I choose to love myself and lean into my humanity. I am strong, I am healthy, and I am resilient!
Are you able to see yourself in any of these words? What does this bring up for you? What do you feel in your body as you read it? Take a moment to write down anything that came up for you as it may help you to understand your own perfectionistic part a little bit better.
Practical Strategies to Release Perfectionism
- Challenge Your Inner Critic: Notice when self-critical thoughts arise and gently question their validity. Would you speak to a friend that way?
- Embrace “Good Enough”: Remind yourself that done is often better than perfect. Allow yourself to finish tasks without endlessly tweaking.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a loved one. Mistakes are part of growth.
- Set Realistic Expectations: Prioritize what truly matters, and let go of the rest. Not everything requires your best effort.
- Cultivate Mindful Presence: Stay grounded in the moment, noticing when perfectionistic thoughts arise and gently redirecting your focus.
- Practice the “Magic of Imperfection:” notice what happens when you let go of the rules or the rigidity of perfectionism. What shows up instead?
- Write a letter to yourself: get to know these “parts” of yourself that strive to be perfect and also the parts that want to slow down. Allow them to have a dialogue. Or write a letter from your higher self to your inner child who believes that s/he needs to be perfect.
- Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner. Let him or her see some of your messiness. Intimacy deepens when we allow ourselves and those we love to be imperfectly human.
- Admit your mistakes or when you are wrong; humility is an antidote for perfectionism.
- Give yourself permission to just “be” and release any need to be something other than your true self.
Final Thoughts: Permission to Be Human
Letting go of perfectionism is a lifelong journey, not a destination. It requires courage, patience, and self-compassion. As both a therapist and a fellow traveler, I encourage you to give yourself permission to be human, to make mistakes, and to grow. The real beauty in life and relationships is found in authenticity—not in perfection.
If you find yourself stuck in perfectionistic patterns, seeking support from a therapist can be a powerful step. With guidance, you can learn to release the restrictive mindset of perfectionism and embrace a more joyful, connected, and fulfilling life. I would be honored to support you when you are ready to dive in. Want more? Continue to explore more about codependency counseling.