Dynamics in relationships are complex. Personalities, past experiences, and life circumstances all come together to make up the unique interplay between two partners. You may have seen a lot of information floating around about how codependency and narcissism interact. These terms are two completely separate concepts that feed off and play into one another. When two individuals come together with these traits, a toxic cycle emerges.
Let’s take a closer look at the connection between codependency and narcissism.
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a psychological concept that describes a dysfunctional pattern of relating in relationships. Individuals who are codependent often have an excessive reliance on others for their sense of self-worth and identity. Their lives become entwined with those around them, and they may go to great lengths to meet the needs of others, often at the expense of their own well-being. Codependents may struggle with boundaries, find it difficult to assert themselves, and may experience intense fear of rejection or abandonment.
What Is Narcissism?
On the flip side, narcissism is a personality trait that is characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a constant need for admiration. Narcissists thrive on attention and often exploit others to fulfill their desires. Attention from others and constant admiration are often referred to as a “narcissistic supply.” These folks may struggle with genuine connection and view relationships as a means to meet their own needs rather than fostering mutual growth and support. They too lack boundaries and struggle with fears of rejection or abandonment, although these fears present much differently than those who are codependent.
How Are Narcissism and Codependency Connected?
The connection between codependency and narcissism lies in how these types attract one another. In the beginning, they both seem to meet the other’s needs perfectly. However, the aspects that connect them reinforce their dysfunctional nature. Codependents, with their innate desire to fulfill the needs of others, at the sacrifice of themselves, unknowingly become enablers for narcissists. They feed the “supply.” In turn, the narcissist latches on to the codependent’s eagerness to please and uses that to their advantage to make everything about them.
The codependent individual will at first feel completely validated and seen by the narcissist. The narcissist’s tendency to “love bomb” and come on very strong with a seeming laser focus on their partner will create a feeling in the codependent that someone finally gets them, seems to be able to give them everything that they have ever wanted emotionally, and create a “love like I have never experienced before.” The codependent will give that feedback to the narcissist, which feeds their self-importance. However, this does not last long, as eventually, the narcissist will begin to withdraw attention and create self-doubt with subtle blows to self-esteem. This begins a vicious cycle of the codependent seeking constant validation and approval from the narcissist as they try to get those initial feelings of worthiness and attention back. This further inflates the narcissist’s self-centered behavior. This unhealthy dynamic creates a cycle of dependence, with the codependent enabling the narcissist’s behavior, and the narcissist, in turn, exploiting the codependent’s willingness to sacrifice their own needs.
The fear of abandonment further reinforces the cycle because both partners need the other in order to soothe this fear, even as the relationship becomes more and more unhealthy.
The Root of These Behaviors
To understand the connection between codependency and narcissism, it’s crucial to explore the roots of these behaviors. Both often stem from childhood experiences, where individuals learned maladaptive ways of relating to others. Codependents may have grown up in environments where their needs were consistently overlooked, leading them to seek external validation. Narcissists, on the other hand, might have experienced excessive praise or felt pressured to adopt a grandiose persona to compensate for deep-seated insecurities. Codependents tend to be very empathic and able to show up emotionally for their partners whereas narcissists lack empathy and can only show up emotionally in a way that serves their ego.
How To Break the Cycle
Breaking the toxic cycle between codependency and narcissism requires self-awareness and a commitment to personal growth. Codependents must learn to set healthy boundaries, prioritize their own needs, and cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation. Narcissists need to confront and address their insecurities, develop empathy, and recognize the impact of their behavior on others. Both need to confront their fears of abandonment and rejection and recognize that the only person who can break the toxic cycle is themselves.
The cycle can be broken, but it requires work and commitment from both individuals to make this happen. If your partner is unwilling to attend therapy, consider beginning on your own. You are worth the time and effort it takes to reclaim yourself and discover freedom from these types of patterns. If you believe that you are stuck in this toxic cycle, consider reaching out to learn more about codependency recovery. With my help, we can pave a path forward towards a healthier way of relating.