“I feel like I will betray my Soul…”
I recently had a thought pop out of my mouth that has stuck with me from a recent conversation: “I feel like I will betray my Soul.” In this conversation that thought was in reference to a dream I have had of writing a book and that dream repeatedly going on the back burner of my life. Never writing this dream into reality would feel like a betrayal of my Soul. That sounds serious. It reminded me of a similar concept of “self-betrayal” that I discuss with my clients often in our sessions and how strongly I feel about that. These thoughts inspired me to return to my blog posts after several years hiatus from even writing in here.
I’ve wanted to write a book since I was in college. That was when I began to identify myself as “a writer.” I loved to write. I wrote papers, journal entries, cards, posters, letters, and eventually website pages and blogs. I had a long hiatus from writing during my first marriage. I seemed to think that other people’s needs took precedence over my writing and eventually my draw towards writing was drowned out by the overwhelming needs of a husband, child, house, life, etc. I always said, “I’m going to write my book in my fifties.” Well, here I am. I’ve just turned 50 and I’m now faced with the fact that 30 years have gone by and I have now reached the time where there are no more excuses. I am now faced with a deep fear that is the blocked doorway to my creative calling. I’m afraid I’ll never write it, I’m afraid I won’t finish it, I’m afraid it will be a total flop, and I’m even more afraid that it will be a huge success. Can I truly have everything I want in life? Deep in my heart I know that answer is a resounding “YES.” It requires effort, commitment, and consistency, but yes, there are no limits. No dream is too big for the Universe. Who am I to try and limit it? And why would I betray myself by buying into fear?
Have you ever wanted something so badly and then found every reason to not do it, put it off or do something else? Does it feel like you are betraying your Soul with every moment that passes you by?
Soul betrayal is one step deeper than Self-betrayal. It is beyond Self and taps closely to an inner calling or purpose. If you don’t listen it will continue to gnaw at you until it is expressed. Yet, in spite of such a pull, call, or draw, it is very easy to get locked up by fear, which typically manifests as procrastination and/or perfectionism. It has been said by Lauren Sapala (author of The INFJ Writer) that toxic perfectionism and severe procrastination often occur within introverted, intuitive, empathic folks who grow up in families where other’s needs are perceived to come before their own. So when it comes time to devote precious internal resources to the needs of our Soul, it seems too great an ask and procrastination sets in. And of course the best excuse is that there isn’t enough of anything to make room for such a seemingly frivolous act of self indulgence which of course wouldn’t be perfect enough to make a difference anyway, so what’s the use in even trying? Blah, blah, blah….
But wait! What if we allow ourselves to question that dysfunctional logic? Is not our Soul and it’s callings just as important as other’s needs? In fact, it is more important because if your Soul dims or is ignored, it will continue to call you with louder and louder signals. Eventually, your body will take over and express it’s distress with any form of dis-ease, pain, or suffering. And that will make meeting your own needs, let alone others needs, much more difficult or maybe even impossible.
So what does it take to listen to and follow your Soul’s calling?
It means challenging your current beliefs about what is a priority. It requires a commitment to your self that rises above everything else. It requires balance because there are many needs that we have and this is but one. It means slowing down and listening to what needs to be expressed and what that expression may look like.
I often get ideas that come to me in the form of opening sentences. If I’m not able to write them down right away or allow them to develop, they often nag at me. But eventually they pass and are lost. Creative ideas can sometimes be very persistent and often times are elusive and fleeting. Every time an idea passes without expression I feel a sense of sadness. A pulling from the inside that some opportunity was lost. I feel as though I’ve let myself down again. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have these feelings. Sometimes I wonder, “How many more ideas will I be granted? Will the Universe eventually pass me by and consider me unworthy of this gift? Or be disappointed?” I know better than to think the Universe operates that way. The Universe is neutral. Like Switzerland. Ideas are neutral. They don’t have an ego and therefore are not invested in how or whether or not they get expressed by me or by some other means. But do I feel a sense of honor when something from what seems to be another dimension wants to use me as a vehicle for expression? Yes. And it is also a gift to me – although I don’t always see it that way.
So what do I do with all of this?
Take the pressure off. Nothing gets creatively expressed when there are strict demands placed on when, where, and how.
Be grateful and grant myself permission to express myself in whatever way I am most drawn to at the time. Allow that to evolve and shift and change with each call for expression. I think I’m supposed to write it all, but maybe other mediums emerge with this expansion of perspective.
Prioritize my creativity as an aspect of healthy living that is just as important as exercise and proper nutrition. I’ve been able to create a firm commitment to those things, why not make room for my creativity?
Harness courage – allow myself to feel the fear and any other emotions that come up when I face that blocked doorway and allow courage to be the key that unlocks the door to infinite possibilities.
Practice “The Magic of Imperfection:” a phrase coined by my precious friend and colleague, Shahn McGuire. She is the model for expansion through imperfection and I have repeatedly bore witness to the magic that occurs when she allows her creativity to unfold into creations beyond all of our imaginations. What a shame it would be if perfectionism were to have stunted such beautiful teachings and experiences for healing. What is waiting inside of me behind the wall of perfectionism just waiting for the wall to come down so that it can be revealed and shared? What is waiting inside of you?
HAVE FUN! Life is an adventure full of infinite learning and growth. It’s not always comfortable, but it is so worth it! And we don’t have to make it so hard – enjoy the ride! What is your Soul calling for from you? Are you ready to listen? And follow? Go for it! You are SO worth it!
And if you need more support, I’m here to help. Feel free to reach out if you think that counseling would be a beneficial resource to assist you with listening to and following your Soul’s calling.
Click here for more information on codependency recovery.