Navigating Disturbances in Your Relationship: Turning “Off” Moments into Deeper Connection
Every couple experiences moments when something feels “off.” A disagreement, a misunderstanding, a miscommunication, a boundary that gets crossed, or an agreement that isn’t kept can disrupt the flow between you. These moments—what I often call disturbances—are not a sign that your relationship is failing. They are a sign that you are human, in relationship, and brushing up against places that matter.
What makes the difference isn’t whether disturbances happen, but how you navigate them together.
Many couples try to move past these moments quickly, minimize them, or argue their way through them. Over time, unresolved disturbances can quietly erode trust, safety, and intimacy. When handled with care, however, they can become opportunities for growth, understanding, and deeper connection.
Below is a process I teach in couples therapy to help partners move all the way through a disturbance—rather than around it.
A Step-by-Step Process for Navigating Disturbances
- Notice and honor what’s happening in your body.
Often the first signal of a disturbance isn’t a thought—it’s a sensation. Tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, shallow breathing, tension in your jaw. Pause and honor that your body is communicating something important. - Tune inward and name the feelings.
Get curious about where you feel the sensation and what emotions are attached to it. Is it hurt, fear, disappointment, anger, sadness, or feeling unimportant? Naming your internal experience helps you stay grounded rather than reactive. - Clarify the specific trigger.
Gently identify the particular behavior, moment, or interaction with your partner that set this off. This isn’t about building a case—it’s about clarity. Knowing what activated you helps prevent global statements and old resentments from taking over. - Communicate from a place of not knowing.
Let your partner know you’re sensing a disturbance, but approach the conversation without assuming intent or assigning blame. Use “I” statements that claim your experience as your own. For example: “I noticed I felt a tightness in my chest when that happened, and I’m not fully sure why yet.” - Stay curious—about your partner and yourself.
Ask questions that invite understanding rather than defensiveness. Be willing to learn something new about your partner’s inner world while also staying open to discovering more about your own reactions and needs. - Own your contribution.
Even when you feel hurt, there is often something you can take responsibility for—your tone, timing, assumptions, or unmet needs you didn’t express. Owning your part creates safety and invites reciprocity. - Create space for your partner to own theirs.
When the environment feels non-accusatory, your partner is more likely to acknowledge their impact. This is not about fault—it’s about shared responsibility for the relationship. - Allow time and multiple conversations.
Some disturbances resolve quickly; others take several iterations. If either of you becomes flooded or overwhelmed, take a break and make a clear agreement to return to the conversation. Repair happens over time, not in a single perfect talk. - Notice what resolution feels like.
When a disturbance is truly cleared, there is often a felt sense of relief, openness, and reconnection. Get familiar with that feeling—it becomes an internal compass for knowing when you’re “all the way through.” - Create a new agreement.
Talk about how you’ll handle a similar situation next time. Make realistic, compassionate agreements and commit to continuing the conversation if the issue resurfaces.
Practice, Practice, Practice
Navigating disturbances is a practice. It takes patience, repetition, and kindness toward yourselves and each other. The time and care you invest builds trust, emotional safety, and intimacy. Over time, couples gain confidence in their ability to handle anything life brings—not because they avoid conflict, but because they know how to move through it together.
Your Relationship Deserves Your Attention
If you’d like support learning these skills or want help navigating ongoing challenges, couples counseling can help. I invite you to reach out to learn more by clicking the button below. Your relationship is worth the work.